I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
