I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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