It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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