yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
