if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
