hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
