and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
