He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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