Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
