I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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