Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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