Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
