So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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