1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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