I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
