I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
