Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
