Hey man sorry I got all grabby
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
