spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
