my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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