I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
