finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
