I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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