just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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