That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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