i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
