I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My pussy is not your playground.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
