I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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