Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
