P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
