so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
