From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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