The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
