If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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