He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
