Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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