What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
