Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
