hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
