Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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