So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Boobs are out for the taking
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
