see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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