Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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