I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
