I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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