Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
