Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
