I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
