just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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