Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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