Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
