just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
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I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
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You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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