when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
