I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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