dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
