would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
