If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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