just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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